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"The beginning of wisdom is found in doubting;by doubting we come to the question,

and by seeking we may come upon the truth."

— Pierre Abelard

This painting was meant to be a study an old masters technique of Michelangelo Caravaggio’s painting, The Incredulity os Saint Thomas. 

But as I got into it and painted the darkness pushing paint into the light , it became a prayer and took on a life of its own. 

I say that a lot - but I’m never really sure what that means but throughout the course of this painting I learned a lot more than just a painting technique. 

Usually before a painting I ask God to paint with me, help me do a good  job and I usually offer it for a specific intention.  But this painting was different, it had its own agenda and purpose for what God  wanted to teach me. The saints have taught us that you can multiply your prayers by offering them through a repetitive action. 

For example, St. Faustina sat down one day to crochet and as she felt a deep sense of God's presence, she humbly asked the the Lord to grant her the grace of conversion to as many souls as the stitches she made that day. So as I began this paining I too offered it as a spiritual act and a prayer for my son and all that he was going through at the time as a young teenager. I’m probably not as graceful  or reverent with my words as the great saints just like I’m not as skilled with my brushwork as the great masters but my prayer went something like this “ Lord, I offer You this  painting and May every brushstroke be a prayer for my child? He’s yours and he needs you right now. Amen.” 

And then I went about my way painting layer by layer day by day and every now and again I’d mumble something up to Heaven and occasionally ask St Thomas to pray for me. Throughout this painting (and I didn’t make the connection until I was finished) 

I was struggling with a lot of my own personal doubts. I doubted I could ever be a good painter. I had doubts of who I was as a mother. The lie that circulated in my head was if my kids struggle as much as they do then I must have failed them somewhere along the way as their mother. As much as I knew that was false and a lie of the enemy, the doubts were there and they always clouded my confidence. And there was one tiny little doubt that always lurked around and that was the doubt of prayer. I’ve been at this prayer thing long enough to know and believe that God goes listen, but would He answer me.. ( the way I want Him to answer me)  Sorry Lord, my will not Yours… was the song of my heart that day as I came to easel to paint DOUBT. 

So I painted, and painted and pushed through and finished. ( well finished for now… I always feel that a painting is never done if you look at it long enough) but the day after I was “ finished “ I went to Mass to give thanks and what God lined up for me was beautiful. At that Mass the homily was given by a newly ordained Deacon and it was on Doubt. 

It pierced me straight through the heart, melted all my doubts and renewed my weary mother’s soul. It left me speechless - which is a good thing because too many words had gotten in the way of my heart and Gods and with that I’m going to stop writing and paste the homily below… ( I got permission from the Deacon later to paste it in this post). Hope you enjoy it as much as I did. 

And one last thing… because I like happy endings… I am writing this post as am traveling my son to a new beginning … off to college and filled with hope. 

Good job Carvaggio 

Good job Deacon 

Good job God and good job son❤️

Jesus does hear us snd He does reward obedience as blind as it can be at times. It just amazes me that even our mundane and menial everyday tasks can be so powerful when offered through Christ. 

Homily: 

        Doubt is not the enemy of faith. Doubt is not the opposite or antithesis of faith. In fact, doubt is what happens when faith gets real. It is what causes us to analyze propositions so that we can understand more deeply, and not be naive. It is what allows us to authentically question, so that we can believe more fully, not just because someone told us so. Doubt is not a sign that you’ve lost your way or that you’re failing as a believer. It is what happens when we start asking the hard questions instead of clinging to the easy answers. It is an honest and raw encounter with our inquisitive nature while trusting that God will show us the way. It is the process of wrestling with our disbeliefs knowing that the truth will ultimately be revealed. And then, we learn to embrace that truth in its fullness.

        St Thomas relentlessly sought the Truth - which was Jesus Himself. Like an inquisitive child, he constantly asked questions. Jesus did not abandon doubting Thomas. He did not allow Thomas to remain incredulous, but instead came back to him, meeting the doubting Thomas where he was, and answered him, “Put your finger here and see my hands, bring your hand and put it into my side, and do not be unbelieving, but believe.” This Truth enlightened the darkness of doubt and solidified doubting Thomas’ faith. He responded with the clearest declaration of Jesus’ divinity in Holy Scripture, “My Lord and My God!” A statement many of us also proclaim at the moment father elevates the host, and then elevates the chalice knowing that Jesus is present. 

        The Greek word for doubt used in this passage of the New Testament is distazo which literally means “to waver” or “to stand in two places.” The sense of this word is “to distinguish or discriminate” or “separate into components.” In this sense doubt helps us pull out the real truth from any lies. Faith and reason always go hand-in-hand. Doubt is that questioning attitude that helps us to reason properly and so strengthens our faith. 

        You there, brothers and sisters, sitting in the pews today, are the ones Jesus is talking about when He says, “Blessed are those who have not seen and have believed.”

Homily for Friday - 13th Friday in Ordinary Time 

July 3, 2026

Lectionary: 593

Reading 1: Ephesian 2: 10-22 

Responsorial Psalm: 

Ps 117: 1bc, 2

Gospel: John 20: 24-29

“This painting was created straight from prayer, in prayer and for prayer.” (Visio Divina)

A few years back, I was called many times to a deeper place of prayer for several loved ones who had lost their way. The pain of the situation drew me to my knees as well as to the easel.  Painting for me became a way of prayer.  There was darkness, depression, pain, hurt and hope that felt lost.  But that was not the whole story, there was also faith, pieces of light, a gentle voice in the darkness, a way through, a pause for momentary rest with little moments of calm, and the grace of courage to persevere through what was very very hard.  That gentle voice in the darkness was the Blessed Mother who led us always to the tender mercies of Her Son.  When there was nothing left but the darkness of rock bottom and the feelings that this is what we deserved, it was always the encounter with Christ in the Garden of one’s soul that opened the door to the precise grace that we needed…but getting to that point was never easy.  St. Teresa of Avila uses the spiritual metaphor of a garden to refer to the human soul.  For me, especially in this painting, the image portrays a lost child found and led to Him where He prayed for each child of God in the Garden of Gethsemane over two thousand years ago the night before His death on the Cross.  He wept for love of us and lifted us to the Father’s love, where a child is always safe from harm.  

For me personally, the many years of caring and leading my children on the rocky road of mental health, I encountered many moments as a mother when I had to either enter deeply into the shadows of pain or let go and trust that God had a plan. I referred to these moments as ‘the corner’ where I had to literally stop, catch my breath, pray and seek His direction.  Most of the time, these corners were filled with dread and fear.  Once, in a chapel before the Eucharist, I heard a small voice whisper into the deepest part of my soul….”I will be at every corner.”  It was His whisper of love to me that guarded me from a fear that could paralyze me into a frozen state of agony.  That whisper of love was a sentence that allowed me to grow in trust and eventually learn how to surrender well.  It was a heavenly promise that allowed grace to sink deeper into the hidden wounds of a weary mother’s heart.  

REFLECT: Take some time in silence as you look at this image.  Ask questions and make it your prayer to help you in your own story.  

A mother’s love guiding her child around the corner, led by light yet into darkness because it is when the darkness is encountered by love, it can be transformative.  “Walk with me, hold my hand, slow down and walk with me through the wilderness.”  "It’ll be ok, He has won this battle for you, go to Him, He loves you.”  The invitation to look at our brokenness through God’s eyes is always the beginning.  Just like a seed in the garden of our lives grows in silence, before it can break through the soil, it must be watered by prayer.  Prayer is nothing more than an honest conversation with one who knows it all anyways.  Prayer acts as the vital water that revives, sustains, and transforms the hards clumps of dirt into a fruitful garden.  May this image bless your prayer and your journey back to the Heart of real love.  

References for deeper reflection:

https://www.franciscanmedia.org/st-anthony-messenger/lessons-from-jesus-agony-in-the-garden/

Why do I paint what I paint….  

This is a question I’ve been reflecting on and praying on for a few years.  To question a call in faith requires a lot of time just to listen and be still. While I strive not only to further develop a skill, but I also strive to grow in holiness and sometimes that can be an act of control. Controlling the outcome of one’s efforts, the feelings, the direction,  the aspirations, the inspirations, the hours spent , the discipline given and all for what??? To be the one in control and to answer this question perfectly? If the answer were yes, to all of the above… then why is it so messy in the middle? It’s not until I step back after many, many months, perhaps even years and reflect backwards. The events of my life are similar to the strokes of a painting , you have to step back and see it from a distance to make sense of where you are going. It’s a beautiful thing, this stepping back, to pause and to look more deeply into one’s own heart and to listen, then to look up again and be led forward. 

Last week, I was on an artist’s retreat and it led me deeper into this question.  We studied other artists as well as writers that unpacked these exact questions for their own works. We studied Flannery O’Connor and her pursuit of excellence through prayers and suffering,  St. Teresa of Avila, and her spiritual metaphors of grace through imagery and  St. John Paul II and his call to all artists..   I love doing retreats, there is always something new and it feels so good to return to normal everyday life with new direction and renewed purpose. 

Enjoy the prayer given to us on this retreat below 

for artists based on St. John Paul II, Letter To Artists

Creator God,

Help me to see as You see: the dignity hidden within every person,

The grace concealed within suffering, and the hope that shines even in darkness.

May my work never become an escape from reality, but a deeper encounter with it.

May I have the courage to tell the truth, the patience to pursue excellence,

And the wisdom to create what uplifts the human spirit.

Let my art be a bridge between souls, a window opened toward Heaven and a lamp that points beyond itself to a source of all beauty.

  I have painted and drawn for most of my life; blessed and encouraged by loving parents and now guided and led by God. My goal as an artist is to be God’s artist.  My original and professional background is in animation and drawing.

I went to Georgetown University where I studied Business and Marketing, followed by Sheridan College in Canada to study further study animation and drawing.

I worked as a professional artist for many years and I paused for brief 21 years to raise a family and grow up alongside my husband and four children.   My work experience spans from post production, gaming, Walt Disney Feature Animation and a few side gigs like murals and small commissioned paintings while my kids would nap.  As life has begun to loosen those apron strings, I am beginning again as an oil painter through a wonderful Masters Art Program called Compass Art Center in Kensington, MD. Compass Art Center was founded by Glen Kessler, a wonderful, kind and amazing local artist.  I have studied with Glen since 2021, and what led me to this amazing mentorship program what a small prayer, a Mother’s love and a whole lot of grace.

The story goes something like this…

The Alchemilla Project began in 2017 from a small prayer I once whispered to Our Lady in a little chapel in Mexico and continued today through the graces and prayers of my own mother who is now in Heaven.  That first prayer took root as a little seed in my heart and stayed hidden even from me for several years.  But going back to that moment in the chapel….I boldly asked Our Blessed Mother if I could know her in a more personal way. This trip to Mexico was a healing retreat to the sacred grounds of Our Lady of Guadalupe and what I noticed on this trip was how close people were to the Mother of Our Lord.  So I thought it was a fair question, but the answer I got was not what I expected, nor was my response. So when I asked her if I could draw close to her, I heard in my heart, “Not yet.” 

My response…rejection. I first felt, in that moment, that the Blessed Mother, who everyone says is sooo wonderful just blew me off. So I sat in my little pity party and continued to listen and pray. And slowly, I began to hear, “When your mother is gone, I will be there for you.” It was at that moment, that I felt Her love.  My mother died a year later and Mary has never left my side since and neither has my Mom. 

Soon and slowly, over time, I began to notice that every commissioned painting that came in was of our Lady.  By the time I was working on the third or fourth commission, I asked her if this was truly from Heaven, could you please send me a mentor? I know that God’s work is usually slow and steady, but this request for a mentor came in a day.  I must have really needed it!  The next day, I found Glen Kessler under the word mentor; and signed up for every opportunity that his program provided. 

Once that awareness was there, I began to remember my prayer spoken only in the heart and I knew that like Mary, I had to give my fiat to God. It sorta stressed me out, but then I found these words written in my journal…

“How can you only give me half your heart and expect to make you whole?”  So I asked the Holy Spirit to re-establish me as an artist and to really inspire me in a mission.  He was the one knocking, it was His invitation and mission, not mine.  However, I was being called to respond in faith and as most people know, that once you say yes to God, his Heavenly staff goes to work and now….so do I.  I am not always so sure where Heaven leads me, but the good news is I that I now feel I don’t always have to be the one in charge of my destiny, and that is a freedom that that brings so much peace.  

  As I build the foundations of what my art calls me to paint, my hope is to share  glimpses of beauty that have touched my heart and moved my soul.  Art has a special relationship with beauty  - it is not an absolute end in itself but rather a gift to be shared.  To perceive beauty and the power and passion of the work the grace must move beyond the painting and into the heart of the viewer because the hidden stories of the hidden souls (the viewer) is where the real beauty lives.  

So thank you for sharing this most precious and sacred gift of art with me and may all it’s blessings be with you!!!  

The Pelican Project

A wonderful bird is the pelican;
His bill will hold more than his belican.
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I’m damned if I see how the helican!

"A Mother’s Love" is how I began to paint again. It’s what I began to paint as I painted Mary and her hands outstretched to a broken world. It was an answered prayer of my heart after my own mother died and our Blessed Mother ever so gently led the efforts snd and desires of my heart to paint again. She even provided mentorship along the way. (See My Story for more) 

And then somewhere along the way the Pelican began to pop up in my inspirations. The whisper started small, when one of my best friends just casually mentioned that her sister loved the Pelican. Her sister was a courageous mother of three small children, one of them having cancer, when she too herself was diagnosed with malignant tumor that eventually took her life. Her love for pelicans spoke to me because I remembered hearing something about the myth of a mother pelican representing the sacrificial love of Christ. So I promised myself I’d paint her a pelican one day; and just like all my good intentions, I filed it away and forgot. 

Then years later, around the time I was painting the Blessed Mother a priest friend of mine showed me his prayer cards from his first Mass and there she was - a picture of pelican feeding her young. God’s little reminder of one of His amazing creatures that echoes a mother’s love. 

The myth of the pelican can be easily seen by a mother pelican standing over her young with her beak piercing her chest to feed her chicks from her own blood nourishing them in a time of famine. This image became widely used in the design of altars and above tabernacles, etched on crucifixes and even on the flag of Louisiana. This timeless image invites us to reflect upon the self sacrifice Christ made for us with His Precious Blood and His holy gift of the Eucharist, His Body and Blood as eternal nourishment for our souls. 

What I love about the pelican is how they remind me to reflect on our humanity and how much we need to stay close to our Creator. They visually represent the awkward and some might even say ugly as they carry  themselves in a  cumbersome and clumsy way on land yet ever so graceful over the mystery of the waves. 

They have walked this earth from Prehistoric times as if they carry a heavy burden, yet in the air, they are graceful and weightless as they fly so close the immense power of the cresting waves. A pelican can fly long distances without ever flapping its wings - so close to the power that sustains one’s journey. It is the backdraft of the wave that animates their flight. 

As a Christian, I too struggle to persevere and with so many distractions, I walk awkwardly in life, unyoked in so many ways and I find myself ahead of grace or beheld in my weaknesses; and before I know it my burdens are more heavy and complicated than they need to be. 

In Hebrews 12:4 it says, : "In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.” 

So with this little space to reflect on such a simple yet complicated bird, I see myself humbled and awkward yet soaring with ease when I remember who I am in Christ. 

Jesus promised us that His yoke is easy and His burden light. But we must stay close to Him, pressing in to His Sacred Heart where He can nourish us and sustain us in the invisible backdraft of His tender and amazing love. 

So next time you see a pelican, take the time to notice and remember who glides alongside you. 

A Mother's Love

She will stand amidst the thorns, 

She will clip away what entangles your heart,

She will bandage what is wounded,

She will kiss the places that hurt,

She will shield your tender skin,

And she will stand beside you until all your tears have dried.

She will search for the smile in your eyes until you smile back,

And when you are ready, the light of Her Son will pierce through.

And what used to grip you in fear will begin to melt away,

Enough for you to pick up your Cross 

And journey the world to Heaven. 

Inspiration for this painting and little poem...

When I watch my own children suffer, I can’t help but notice that the only desire I have is to stand in the thicket of thorns, and clip away all that is prickly and eventually the light begins to pierce through. A light so bright that we can’t help but be led by His call.  Mary is our perfect Mother.  She leads us to Her Son.  The thorns that pierced His Holy face were thorns of love and Mary’s Motherly love was right there with Him.